Soviet Jokes

Soviet Jokes

Soviet life – Soviet jokes

Союз Советских Социалистических Республик – The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics  was a huge great country. It was one of the World’s largest economy, situated on the territory of one third of the Earth’s landscape. However, there were a lot of problems in the Soviet Union: the totalitarian regime (censorship, surveillance of citizens, strict rules of life, and so on), the shortage of food and clothing because of the bad functioning of the planned economy and other problems.

All this is reflected in the specific Soviet jokes and anecdotes. Now they are very popular not only in Russia, where Soviet times is being remembered with nostalgia, but also throughout the world. Here are some examples of Soviet jokes that reflect the realities of life in the Soviet Union.

🙂 🙂 🙂 

Three archaeologists — one British, one American, and one Soviet — have discovered a previously unknown pharaoh’s tomb in Egypt.

The Brit goes down into the tomb and tries to figure out who’s buried there by looking through a bunch of books and deciphering the hieroglyphics. He fails after a few hours and comes out.

The American brings down several scientific instruments to try determining where and when the pharaoh lived. He fails after a few hours and comes out.

The Soviet goes down and comes out in five minutes. “His name is Amenhotep the Twenty-Third,” he explains, giving all sorts of information about the king.

The other archaeologists marvel at this and ask how the Soviet archaeologist found out all of this.

“He confessed.”

An American dog, a Polish dog, and a Soviet dog sit together in their kennel.

American dog says “In my country if you bark long enough, you will be heard and given some meat.”

Polish dog replies “What is “meat?”

Soviet dog asks “What is “bark?”

So Stalin wakes up in the morning and goes out on his balcony. “Good morning comrade Sun,” he says.

The Sun says, “good morning comrade Stalin, I trust you slept well.”

After lunch, Stalin goes for a walk. “Good day, comrade Sun,” he says.

The Sun says, “good day, comrade Stalin. I hope the day is going well for you.”

At sunset, Stalin goes out and and says, “good evening, comrade Sun.”

Nothing.

Annoyed, Stalin says, “I said good evening comrade Sun!”

The Sun replies, “fuck you! I’m in the west now!”

Gorbachev was at his summer house, six hours from Moscow. He needed to be in the Kremlin the next day, so he decided to take his driver and drive back in his Mercedes.

After about two hours, Gorbachev gets bored of reading and says he wants to drive for a bit. The driver knows it isn’t protocol, but doesn’t see any danger. He climbs in the back and nods off.

Gorbachev starts speeding and gets pulled over.

A cop comes up to the drivers’ window, does a double take, and walks back to the cop car in shock.

His partner says, “What the heck is wrong with you? Who is it?”

“I don’t know, but he has Premier Gorbachev driving him around!”

Every other Friday a factory guard saw a worker coming out of the factory pushing a wheelbarrow packed with hay.

The guard searched inside the hay, found nothing and let the guy go. This ritual repeated over several years until a time when the guard was about to retire.

When the guy pushing the wheelbarrow appeared at the gate he told him: “I know you are stealing something. I am just about to retire and this is my last day here. I will not tell anybody, but, please, let me know what are you stealing.” The guy smiled and answered, “Oh, I am stealing the wheelbarrows.”

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. “Who sneezed?” Silence. “First row! On your feet! Shoot them!” They are shot, and he asks again, “Who sneezed, Comrades?” No answer. “Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!” They are shot too. “Well, who sneezed?” At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, “It was me! Me!” Stalin says, “Bless you, Comrade!”

A Soviet judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing.

“I just heard the funniest joke in the world!”

“Well, go ahead, tell me!” says the other judge.

“I can’t – I just gave someone ten years for it!”

🙂 🙂 🙂

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